Time: 6:14 pm
Location: Living Room Couch
Weight: 157

Welp--here I am. Fighting a nasty case of vertigo and nausea and trying to keep fluids down. The MD today told me that I should start eating bread and pasta and "simple" things to settle my stomach. I was totally disappointed. It means going off my "No White Flour, No Sugar" diet--not that I have been all that good lately.

I stepped on that scale today in the same examination room I always end up in. It read a disappointing 157. Up a pound from what it was in November when I went in for a physical. At that time, the doctor looked at me and said.. "Sure another 10 lbs would be great. It wouldn't hurt."

Now here I am at this disappointing 157 once again. I am trying not to beat myself up too badly but--its hard at best. This morning when I woke up I stepped on my Walmart Speical and I was 153, a considerable improvement from where I was a week ago. I think I will just chalk it up to to all the winter clothes I was wearing today; wool sweater, jeans, sneakers etc etc.

That could add a full three pounds right? Right?

I keep thinking to myself that once I get this whole inner ear thing under control I will be good, I will go back to the old glycemic index and cut out the carbs. But the truth is a week ago when I was able to be good, I was still sneaking a small bagel here and a tortilla with butter there. Some nights when my boyfriend isn't home it will be 3 tortillas with butter for dinner. And sometimes I don't even really want it. I mean I know I should eat when I get home from work so I just kind of automatically go to the familiar drawer where the familiar tortillas live, pull out the butter and fire up the microwave. One tortilla runs about 100-120 calories. Its a lot when my day is spent sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours and sitting on a heaving train for another 3. No wonder the weight hasn't budged.

I have to get back on the damn pony before I start getting dragged behind the cart.

I seem to have settled into this weight of 150s pretty solidly. Its a bummer. I was really hoping for a 145. AT LEAST. I feel like a failure. I can't seem to get rid of those last 10 lbs. Its just excruciating. I know there are a lot of us recovering fatties out there... but man.. this just sucks. I don't know that I have ever felt so alone or so upset.

On top of it all, I have this insane fear.. like a panicky fear.. of gaining weight.. of getting back up over 160 even. Its terrifying. I look at old pictures of me and think--"That's what I still look like. That's what I am always going to look like."

Really-- what am I going to do when I get pregnant? I will probably have some sort of mental breakdown I am sure. Sadly enough that's part of the reason I dont want to get pregnant. I am not willing to give over my body to some other organism to just do what it will. I mean really! That just sounds like a prescription for "Return of the Bodysnatchers."

What is it about motivation that makes it so damn ellusive. My aunt always used to say "Its like herding cats." (I always wondered,"Umm, who in their right minds wants to herd cats?") Maybe thats the point. Maybe motivation ebbs and flows like a tide and I am just in an ebb right now. Maybe I am just making up cliched excuses. That's more like it.

Heres hoping that things start looking up once I get this vertigo under control. Does it count when you dont eat much of anything but crackers for 2 days straight?

Hmm...food for thought.