Time: 9:08pm
Weight: Unknown--but --eh feeling ok
Location: Gee--big surprise--in front of the television

So I got back on the bandwagon today. Stuck with my "good old fashioned," no white no sugar diet today and feel like I want to eat an entire bag of bagels right about now--instead I am eating a banana and having some fat free milk. It helps--but those bagels are still calling my name

Its been an interesting week which has made it hard, if not near impossible, to stick to my diet.

Lets recap:

My boss got fired. --Big upheaval--basically means putting someone with half as much experience and even less common sense, in charge of a project that was already rapidly heading down scholck alley. That brings my crew down to 3, count them 3, competent, experienced and well versed people running a very high profile shindig for less than minimum wage--combined.

My co-worker quit. --In light of the wonderful hubbub caused by certain people, who will remain nameless, throwing other certain people under a bus--professionally anyway--my co-worker had a fit and decided to--jump ship. Now that brings my crew down to 2. Count them 2 people--with big responsibilities, no time and rapidly waning patience.

Wouldn't you just love to be in my shoes?

I find that when I get stressed out --I really want white things--(white things in my vocabulary being--bagels, tortillas, anything that I am not supposed to eat that I would usually eat if I were not being good)--I think I remember reading somewhere that carbs actually increase your serotonin levels, (read that as "happy" chemicals) and help reduce your stress, but at the same time "refined" carbs are known inflammation foods that actually stress the body out more. So at the same time you are introducing a "feel good" chemical into your body, you are also putting an added stress on your body to process that chemical. Its funny what your body does under stress--especially when its trying to "self comfort." Its like "sabotage time!"

I guess you just can't win!

Time: 10:16am
Location: Living Room Couch--where I have been for 5 days now
Weight: 152.5!!!

Well I guess there are some benefits to being sick. I haven't had much of an appetite for the past 5 days and its paid off. Considering I have been sleeping and sitting on the couch a majority of the days and nights for the past 5 days I am impressed I lost anything at all. (This of course is as measured by the Wal-Mart Special upstairs).

I think this whole vertigo thing has evolved into or from a sinus infection. I just called the MD again and she is going to call in a prescription for Zithromax. Wednesday afternoon I ended up with a massive sinus headache AFTER taking the Antivert she had prescribed on Monday. It didn't make a whole lot of sense to me considering Antivert is actually a decongestant that helps open up your sinuses and ears to help reset your balance. (May have also been a side effect.) I didn't take a pill yesterday because I wanted to see how I would feel. On my way to another MD appt, I felt horrible--the entire world was spinning without me. Thus I decided then and there to actually Obey the Universe as fellow blogger Pinching Out the Pudge hysterically noted in a past post. At that point the Universe was unceremoniously telling me "Stop trying to do everything and GO TO BED!"

Which brings me to my second point today--SLEEP. I love to sleep. It is in fact one of my favorite things. I am a huge proponent of naps. The best thing in the world is to curl up under a down comforter during a lazy afternoon and get a few winks. I love the sound of the heater or the air conditioning as it switches in the middle of the afternoon (why is it that its not nearly as soothing at night?) on and lulls me to sleep. When I am sick, sleep is the one thing I can't get enough of. Recently I have been waking up around 10ish, world still spinning without me, eating, writing and going back to bed around 2. I sleep again until about 6 when I decide its time to get up or I will never sleep through the night, eat again, write some more and go back to bed at 10:30 after talking to my boyfriend who is travelling (AGAIN!). I can tell I am sick when I can sleep soundly throughout the night and still take a nap the next day. My body just craves sleep when I am sick.

I do have to admit though, at times in the past I have used sleep to avoid things. When I used to get really depressed years ago, (I have battled depression my whole life and only recently was able to get it under control through therapy--I am a big proponent of therapy and think everyone should go at least ONCE in their lives), I used to sleep for hours and hours even though my body didn't need it. It seemed to me, that it was the easiest way to deal with pain and shut the world out. I used to retreat to the bedroom to soothe myself and shut down-my theory being, the monsters couldn't get me while I was asleep. It wasn't the healthiest use of sleep but at some point it was a behavior I learned in order to cope. Truth be told, I haven't used sleep that way in years now though, thanks to some much needed support from my boyfriend and my therapist.

I was reading a post earlier from Losing Me on her blog Weight Watchers Eh? about sleep and it got me to to thinking. While I was depressed I naturally gained all this weight that I have been battling to get off. (Please note if you are a young woman suffering from depression, a study came out this week that shows a direct relation between depression and weight gain --not that we needed a study to prove that--but there it is) There have been studies showing that a loss of sleep can cause weight gain becuase it triggers a hunger response. But other studies show that increased sleep lowers your life expectancy.

Which brings up an interesting question... How much sleep is enough sleep? After doing a little digging it turns out that there is no one simple answer. The are however a few basic rules:

1. Your age determines your need for sleep. We all know that babies and toddlers
generally sleep much more than an adult does. As we get older we generally need less
sleep.

2. Your diet can wreak havoc on your sleep habits. Eating high carbohydrate (sugar),
high fat, or high caffine foods right before bed time will destroy your bodies natural
urge to sleep (hence the reason college students order pizza at 4 am!). Studies suggest
that having foods high in calcium before bed(that warm glass of milk perhaps?) help
ease the body into sleep.

3. Listen to your Body (and the Universe): If you are feeling under the weather, and feel
like you truly need the sleep, its probably best not to deprive yourself of what you
need--otherwise the universe will kick you in the kiester and force you to sleep.

Sleep is the most basic way to take care of yourself and by depriving yourself of it you are sabatoging your body and ultimately your weight loss.

Ok--thats enough sermonizing for today.

Time: 10:15am
Location: Kitchen--where else?
Weight: unknown--not worried

So today for the first time, I felt well enough to actually make myself breakfast. It was a miracle in itself.

While I was tooling around in the fridge looking for the bacon (yes that's right I said bacon--2 slices in fact and two eggs!) I came across a familiar white box. Now this little white box has some back story to it.

A very skinny co-worker of mine is getting married in a few months. She is a fitness and food freak --literally--the girl is the size of a toothpick. After months of working across from her, I finally figured out how she stayed so skinny (and forgive me here because I actually think she may have had an eating/workout mental issue)--she eats absolutely nothing but cereal for breakfast and carrot sticks and celery for lunch. I think I saw her eat some fish for dinner one night about a year ago but that is it. Apparently she and her fiance aren't the best cooks in the world so they have a lot of junk food in their apartment. She in particular has a very strong sweet tooth, especially for things like Starbursts and Salt Water Taffy. I am betting that's where most of her caloric intake comes from, but good lord. CARROT STICKS AND CELERY? That can't be healthy every single day? Can it???

Anyway back to the box...as I said before this co-worker of mine has a huge sweet tooth. Around Christmas time the office is a deadly place for a dieter like me to be. There are cookies, chocolate, candy, cake --all brought in by this toothpick of a girl. (Hmm starting to think there is a conspiracy here...) Now a few weeks ago, I came home to a box on my front stoop. My boyfriend ran out and got it and we half heartedly sliced into the packaging. As we did so this gorgeous red box tied with a ribbon peeked out. On the front were the names of my co-worker and her husband-to-be and wrapped neatly inside was a postcard size buttercream cookie from m Edibles Inc.



This is an example of their work--that picturesque little white framed thing on the plate is a cookie!

It was gorgeous, decorated with a thick layer of buttercream icing, it looked like it was inedible, but upon further review, it was absolutely edible. "As if I don't have a hard enough time controlling the bad things that I already have in my house, there is this additional box, to deal with now," I thought. The next morning I was tempted to taste just a corner of the cookie. I took one look at the nutrition facts, so coyly hidden in the top of the box (so that when you open it you don't see the horrifying numbers) and decided that it was better not to taste it at all.

HERE IS THE REASON:

Serving Size: about 1/10 cookie (3 g) --yes that's right 1/10th of a cookie--who in the world eats 1/10th of a cookie!!!! SERIOUSLY
Servings Per Container: about 10 (you have got to be kidding me!)


And here's the kicker folks:

CALORIES: 140
CALORIES FROM FAT: 60

Its a dieters nightmare tied up with a little red bow. How nice. I think the message there was "Hey I am getting married so everyone else --GET FAT--so I look gorgeous!"

Talk about sabotage.

Needless to say--I threw it out this morning.

Time: 2:30pm
Location: Bed
Weight: next to nothing

I tried to go to work today and made it there, spent about half a day tidying up some things and headed on home. This vertigo thing is not going away. Its just not.

My friends at work took one look at me and went--"Woah-go home." So my boss called me a car and I took my gradually thining rear end home.

So far its been a good day--on the eating front.. as long as you count strawberries and oj good. Thats pretty much been my entire caloric intake for today. Truth be told I am just not hungry. Even the MD's words of "eat simple starches." doesn't sound good.

I think I need a nap and then maybe I will feel better again. I really hate using up my vacation days being sick. Its really such a waste!

Time: 6:14 pm
Location: Living Room Couch
Weight: 157

Welp--here I am. Fighting a nasty case of vertigo and nausea and trying to keep fluids down. The MD today told me that I should start eating bread and pasta and "simple" things to settle my stomach. I was totally disappointed. It means going off my "No White Flour, No Sugar" diet--not that I have been all that good lately.

I stepped on that scale today in the same examination room I always end up in. It read a disappointing 157. Up a pound from what it was in November when I went in for a physical. At that time, the doctor looked at me and said.. "Sure another 10 lbs would be great. It wouldn't hurt."

Now here I am at this disappointing 157 once again. I am trying not to beat myself up too badly but--its hard at best. This morning when I woke up I stepped on my Walmart Speical and I was 153, a considerable improvement from where I was a week ago. I think I will just chalk it up to to all the winter clothes I was wearing today; wool sweater, jeans, sneakers etc etc.

That could add a full three pounds right? Right?

I keep thinking to myself that once I get this whole inner ear thing under control I will be good, I will go back to the old glycemic index and cut out the carbs. But the truth is a week ago when I was able to be good, I was still sneaking a small bagel here and a tortilla with butter there. Some nights when my boyfriend isn't home it will be 3 tortillas with butter for dinner. And sometimes I don't even really want it. I mean I know I should eat when I get home from work so I just kind of automatically go to the familiar drawer where the familiar tortillas live, pull out the butter and fire up the microwave. One tortilla runs about 100-120 calories. Its a lot when my day is spent sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours and sitting on a heaving train for another 3. No wonder the weight hasn't budged.

I have to get back on the damn pony before I start getting dragged behind the cart.

I seem to have settled into this weight of 150s pretty solidly. Its a bummer. I was really hoping for a 145. AT LEAST. I feel like a failure. I can't seem to get rid of those last 10 lbs. Its just excruciating. I know there are a lot of us recovering fatties out there... but man.. this just sucks. I don't know that I have ever felt so alone or so upset.

On top of it all, I have this insane fear.. like a panicky fear.. of gaining weight.. of getting back up over 160 even. Its terrifying. I look at old pictures of me and think--"That's what I still look like. That's what I am always going to look like."

Really-- what am I going to do when I get pregnant? I will probably have some sort of mental breakdown I am sure. Sadly enough that's part of the reason I dont want to get pregnant. I am not willing to give over my body to some other organism to just do what it will. I mean really! That just sounds like a prescription for "Return of the Bodysnatchers."

What is it about motivation that makes it so damn ellusive. My aunt always used to say "Its like herding cats." (I always wondered,"Umm, who in their right minds wants to herd cats?") Maybe thats the point. Maybe motivation ebbs and flows like a tide and I am just in an ebb right now. Maybe I am just making up cliched excuses. That's more like it.

Heres hoping that things start looking up once I get this vertigo under control. Does it count when you dont eat much of anything but crackers for 2 days straight?

Hmm...food for thought.