Time: 7:35pm EST
Location: Dining Room Table-post dinner
Weight: 158



Ok that’s more like it. See, I had a heart attack when I stepped on the scale the first time this morning and it read 163!!! "Ok I am going backwards!" I thought.. but then I stepped on another two times and low and behold it held at 158. That’s a good thing. Stupid Walmart Special.

I was a bad girl today. I played hooky from work and my boyfriend and I went kayaking instead. We bought two gorgeous boats yesterday and neither one of us could wait to get out on the water and paddle. Dan, the owner of the dinky boat shop we went to, is this fabulous old man whose hobby is selling young couples like us high end boats for really cheap. From everything we can tell we got a great deal. I have a Perception 13.5 Sonoma Aerolite. Its lime green and a rocket ship on the water. While its not a killer workout--its good enough for my bad shoulders. I am going to be sore tomorrow guaranteed.

I think I will go to the gym tomorrow morning--depending on how late we are up tonight. It was a great day and I hardly ate a thing. Eggs and bacon scrambled together, a homemade smoothie and cumin crusted pork with corn salsa. Though I definitely just cheated by having some M+Ms. Oh well. A few wont kill me.

Lately I have found that any white flour I eat--in bread, flour tortillas (my downfall) even fried foods when I eat them; wreaks havoc on my stomach. It feels like a rock in my belly and it lasts for hours. It happened last week after a co-worker and I had split a huge flour tortilla with eggs and Swiss cheese inside. I don't think I will be doing that again anytime soon. Its nice to finally have the cravings go away--those nasty carb cravings. Now its funny--when I do eat them--I eat them more out of habit than out of desire. Today it was straight curiosity at whether or not it would kill my stomach.. Guess what--it did. Its no so much sugar per say--its the white flour at this point. (I had 2 little 4" flour tortillas with a little bit of butter) I guess I sabotaged myself more than I thought I did.

Over the last two weeks I went fairly strict on the diet my nutritionist gave me. My boyfriend and I leave for Florida for our annual trip on Friday and I wanted to look the best I possibly could. Given the meals today and the cheating.. I dont know that that is necessarily going to be the case.. but I will look pretty damn good.

The other night we went out to Southampton to see a couple of friends that moved out there at the beginning of August. I was standing in their living room in a brown satin halter and jeans and caught sight of myself in the reflection in the huge sliding glass doors that lead out to the ocean. I didn't recognize myself-- not for a second. It was the first time I really got a good idea of how much I have lost thus far. That same night we went to see a group of friends at another house--partying until the wee hours of the morning. One of the guys we have been friends with forever, has always been very supportive of my weight loss and even my weight gain... (one of those good guys who like you no matter what the scale says)--and his reaction to the new look was disarming. He seemed almost angry about it. Like "hey we need to talk about this!!!" I wasn't sure how to take it.

Time: 3:52pm
Location: The Living Room
Weight: 161.0???

OK how could that be. Granted it is 4 in the afternoon and I have had food and water today.. but seriously. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 156-- this is insane. Its been a month and I have lost all of 2 lbs. What is wrong with me!

Maybe its the scale. That thing is the Walmart special I swear. Its plastic and barely can hold my enormous feet. But my boyfriend says its pretty accurate. I think hes on crack. The first time I stepped on it it said 158, which I would buy since I have had some fairly salty things today. I stepped on it a few more times just to be sure that it was right.. and then the blinking display blared out--161!!!

I think I will revise that 161 down to 158. Its official. I will trick my brain into losing weight. Thats the secret.

I went to Borders yesterday and came across a book called "Fat Girl," written by Judith Moore. Many years ago I had read another book of similar to this one, that deeply disturbed me--my mom in fact brought it home from the library for me. The name escapes me at this point but the premise was similar-- I remember struggling to get through it simply because I liked the cover art. I wish I could remember the name! This book, "Fat Girl" was placed on one of those end shelves, glaring at me from behind this little plastic sign. Of course I was immediately attracted to it.. "I know what it is to be a fat girl," I thought, as I walked over to it.

The opening line has, for some reason stuck with me. "You are just to fat to f@ck" a boy said to the author. Its made me think-- few people will talk about it-- but the truth is that "fatism" is one of the last great forms of discrimination out there. Seriously --there have been studies on this stuff. And you know what--in my case I did it to myself. I used to hide behind drapey clothes and the air of nonchalance. But I always knew those shop girls were staring at my bulbous body bursting from the seams of some new dress. It was never pretty.

But you know what, I am working on changing these things about myself. Working on improving the physique that I have loathed for so long. I always wish it was faster. I always wish I was one of those waifs who could just not eat a thing and not care or worry where it would appear the next day.

My boyfriend's mom said something odd to me today. I was coming down the stairs dressed for the gym, feeling rather svelt I might add in my hard tail pants and a baby pink UnderArmor shirt. She paid me a compliment--"Gosh you look great. Even from the side. I am so glad that you are sticking with it." HUH? I thought--"Why are you glad I am sticking with it?" I am not quite sure what to make of it.

I can always tell when my body begins to drop again. People start to say things. My clothes fit differently and I get compliments from friends at work. It makes me feel pretty and skinnier than I actually am. Suddenly this body image that I have had such an issue with for so long-turns to something more appealing. Sexier, curvaceous and strong.

They say that athletes have more accurate ideas of what their bodies actually look like because they are forced to examine them closely every day--push them to the brink and back. I was an athlete and still consider myself athletic even a year ago when I was 198 lbs. I still thought of myself as an athlete. But, I have an image of myself in my head that never matches the reality of my body. On more than one occaison I am rudely awakened by some comment, some mirror or a random store window. "Who is that awful fat woman in the reflection?" I think in horror. Its terrifying, like a painful stab at my psyche.

I suppose thats why the opening line of that book has stuck with me. Because no matter how "skinny" I get I will always be fatter than I think I am. "Too fat to f*ck"....