Time: 3:52pm
Location: The Living Room
Weight: 161.0???

OK how could that be. Granted it is 4 in the afternoon and I have had food and water today.. but seriously. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 156-- this is insane. Its been a month and I have lost all of 2 lbs. What is wrong with me!

Maybe its the scale. That thing is the Walmart special I swear. Its plastic and barely can hold my enormous feet. But my boyfriend says its pretty accurate. I think hes on crack. The first time I stepped on it it said 158, which I would buy since I have had some fairly salty things today. I stepped on it a few more times just to be sure that it was right.. and then the blinking display blared out--161!!!

I think I will revise that 161 down to 158. Its official. I will trick my brain into losing weight. Thats the secret.

I went to Borders yesterday and came across a book called "Fat Girl," written by Judith Moore. Many years ago I had read another book of similar to this one, that deeply disturbed me--my mom in fact brought it home from the library for me. The name escapes me at this point but the premise was similar-- I remember struggling to get through it simply because I liked the cover art. I wish I could remember the name! This book, "Fat Girl" was placed on one of those end shelves, glaring at me from behind this little plastic sign. Of course I was immediately attracted to it.. "I know what it is to be a fat girl," I thought, as I walked over to it.

The opening line has, for some reason stuck with me. "You are just to fat to f@ck" a boy said to the author. Its made me think-- few people will talk about it-- but the truth is that "fatism" is one of the last great forms of discrimination out there. Seriously --there have been studies on this stuff. And you know what--in my case I did it to myself. I used to hide behind drapey clothes and the air of nonchalance. But I always knew those shop girls were staring at my bulbous body bursting from the seams of some new dress. It was never pretty.

But you know what, I am working on changing these things about myself. Working on improving the physique that I have loathed for so long. I always wish it was faster. I always wish I was one of those waifs who could just not eat a thing and not care or worry where it would appear the next day.

My boyfriend's mom said something odd to me today. I was coming down the stairs dressed for the gym, feeling rather svelt I might add in my hard tail pants and a baby pink UnderArmor shirt. She paid me a compliment--"Gosh you look great. Even from the side. I am so glad that you are sticking with it." HUH? I thought--"Why are you glad I am sticking with it?" I am not quite sure what to make of it.

I can always tell when my body begins to drop again. People start to say things. My clothes fit differently and I get compliments from friends at work. It makes me feel pretty and skinnier than I actually am. Suddenly this body image that I have had such an issue with for so long-turns to something more appealing. Sexier, curvaceous and strong.

They say that athletes have more accurate ideas of what their bodies actually look like because they are forced to examine them closely every day--push them to the brink and back. I was an athlete and still consider myself athletic even a year ago when I was 198 lbs. I still thought of myself as an athlete. But, I have an image of myself in my head that never matches the reality of my body. On more than one occaison I am rudely awakened by some comment, some mirror or a random store window. "Who is that awful fat woman in the reflection?" I think in horror. Its terrifying, like a painful stab at my psyche.

I suppose thats why the opening line of that book has stuck with me. Because no matter how "skinny" I get I will always be fatter than I think I am. "Too fat to f*ck"....